


Demon Resources

by munchmulch



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), Gen, I have no idea how real HR works but this is DR there are no rules, Ineffable Spouses, Liberal use of sticky notes, Multi, Other, Paperwork, They/Them Pronouns for Crowley (Good Omens), wedding invitations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:00:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23623540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/munchmulch/pseuds/munchmulch
Summary: It may be surprising to note that if you were to compare the Demonic-Resources Department with it’s angelic counterpart you'd find that DR is both more efficiently run, and brutally effective.Currently, Crowley is in a meeting with their case manager.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Dagon (mentioned), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 49
Kudos: 181





	Demon Resources

It may be surprising to note that if you were to compare the Demonic-Resources Department with it’s angelic counterpart you'd find that DR is both more efficiently run, and brutally effective.

Angelic-Resources is quite polite. They’ll listen to your complaints, someone might even pat your back consolingly. Unfortunately, they also have little to no authority. Under the tense bureaucracy of Heaven, reports filed against any angel ranked higher than a Power always seem to get lost in a back cabinet to gather dust.1

Demonic-Resources, on the other hand, is a horrifying amalgam of resource management, judicial enforcement, and a militia. As long as you have a genuine complaint and the right paperwork the justice that DR implements is both fast and terrifying. However the fear of the consequences of wasting the department's time combined with the uncertainty over which forms to fill out keeps many demons away from it.2

Currently, Crowley is in a meeting with their case manager. 

The office is dimly lit, a dingy glow filtering through the sourceless vapor curling along the walls. Two banged up chairs and a desk are the only furniture in the room. 

The demon across from Crowley is covered in dark pebbly scales and sports a wide mouth full of dull fangs. 

Crowley is trying to look confident and is landing somewhere closer to manic. "Listen! Saleos, buddy, this was all above-board! I swear, I have the forms all sorted out and everything!" They nervously wave a thick manila folder labeled: _Crowley's Paperwork: Essential Documents._

The case manager nods, calmly breathing hellfire out of their thick nostrils. "I'm sure that's true, bosom. Take some deep breaths and we'll sort this out together, step by step." 

Crowley nods frantically, sweat prickling at the back of their neck as they try and ignore the crocodile nudging one of their legs. They freeze, brain catching up, ". . . bosom?"3

"Now." The case manager ignores the implied question and squints slitted eyes at the yellowed paperwork on their desk. "Let's start with the misplacement of the Antichrist4 complaint filed by Lord Belezabub." 

Crowley nods some more, stammering, "right, right, w-well." They fumble with the folder and pull out a sticky note from the side of one of the flaps, squinting at it. "Yeah, so. I would like to state that I turned over the Antichrist4 to a nun of the Chattering Order Of Saint Beryl, as I was instructed.” They swallow. “My verbal account can be confirmed by the former agent of our Dark Lord, Mary Hodges5. Any further sources of my innocence have been, regrettably, burned in an unauthorized fire executed by the demon Duke Haster. Now, pull out the photocopy of the official complaint form we filled out, dear. It's the one with the light blue st -" Crowley cuts themself off and sorts through their papers before handing one over that has a light blue sticky note attached, labeled: _'Damage Complaint, Unauthorized Action Against Human Agents Of The Infernal Master.'_

Saleos looks genuinely pleased as they accept the form, taking a moment to read it over before writing the human's name on a third sticky note and attaching it. "I'll follow up with this, but everything looks to be in order." The crocodile demon lifts the list of charges closer to their face, turning their head to the side as they squint. 

Crowley, against their better judgment, mumbles, "bad eyes team, cant see shit vibes." 

Saleos singes the paper a bit with a snort and then moves on. "Next complaint, disruption and prevention of Armageddon." 

Crowley perks up, they have their response memorized for this one. "Actually! Actually, there is absolutely no evidence that I _personally_ was helpful in preventing Armageddon. Like, at all. _Useless_ , really." Crowley fumbles with some more papers. "I have written accounts from both the Antichrist4 and the humans who were involved." Crowley flips through until they find the end of Adam's report, pointing to the passage which reads: 

> _**_'Yeah I have no idea who these guys are, I've never met them before. They just showed up and started talking a lot?_ ** _
> 
> _**_First impressions - The one who looks like a bajillion year-old librarian tried to shoot me and then pretended to take a coin out of my ear, and the one with sunglasses who looks like he might be in the mob slipped me fifty quid when my dad wasn't looking.'_ ** _

Crowley's case manager is grinning now, wiggling in their seat in a way that immediately endears them to Crowley. "This is very good!" Saleos inches their paperwork even closer to their face and their smile droops a bit. "Next point, the murder of Duke Liger." They frown disapprovingly at Crowley. 

Crowley throws their hands up in the air. "Self-defence! That was self-defence, in fact!" Thank somebody that Aziraphale is friends with Dagon6 because there is no way Crowley would have been able to get this photocopy otherwise. They slap Beezalbub's order down on the desk triumphantly, which simply reads - 

****

> **_\-- Haster you useless sack of pus, take your squeeze and find Crowley then start popping off limbs until the slippery bastard tells us what the fuck is up with the Antichrist 4._ **

The note is signed with Beelzabub's insignia but Saleos doesn't look completely convinced, pursing their lips at the paper. 

"And - and!" Crowley points at the demon, "Ligur came back from the dead, so no harm done!" Crowley seesaws their hand back and forth. "Not taking into account a medium to high level of trama.” They cough, “and I'm not sure either of them will testify to this but the holy water was in a bucket over the door. I warned them not to come in!" 

This seems to satisfy the Saleos who relaxes back into their seat with a hum. 

Crowley's not done though. "And, if you're going to get on me about murder, Beelzebub ordered that an usher be used to test the holy water during my trial, real nasty scene that."7

Aziraphale had been very grumpy about it, insisting that the little dragon was cute enough that it had probably had never done anything wrong, ever in its life. "Speaking of my trial! Total shame that was, wasn't given the stand to state my side of things!” Crowley’s hands flail dramatically. “Had one judge and two prosecutors! Didn't even get a defence council!"8

Crowley crosses their arms sullenly. "Bloody rude is what that is.” They brighten. “Oodles of witnesses to back me up on that though, spectator sport and all."

Saleos looks shocked, bringing a hand to their chest as if to clutch imaginary pearls. "None of the proper paperwork necessary for a rigged trial was filled out!” They tutt, “I'll have to bring this to my supervisor." 

Crowley, not really expecting support and looking a bit embarrassed about their dramatics hunches back into the chair. "Hhhhgg, r-right . . . thanks." 

The demon huffs, "Well! Last thing on the list." Another squint. "Fraternization with the enemy, friendly cooperation with an angel." 

At this Crowley positively lights up, pulling the last piece of paper from the folder with a flourish. It's so yellow it's almost brown, oddly grainy in texture and thin enough that it's probably being held together by a miracle. "I applied, and was approved, for the attempted seduction of The Principality Aziraphale on the twenty second day.9" They had filed the request as soon as Hell got itself together enough to start having paperwork. 

Crowing, absolutely proud and ready to flaunt, waggles their fingers at Saleos showing off the golden engagement ring. "And I did an _excellent_ job, got Aziraphale fired from Heaven _and_ we're getting married!" They’d also both agreed that neither of them have any real interest in lust, which is what Crowley was originally approved for, but who’s gonna check in about _that?_

Saleos gasps, carefully accepting the form and lighting up the room with another toothy smile. "Congratulations! Good show, I think we're done here. I'll make sure all of this is possessed, and as long as all your sources check out you should be in the clear." The demon wiggles again "I do love when people have all of their paperwork together!" 

Crowley grins back, bounding out of their seat. "Honestly, thank the angel, I can barely see all that fiddly little text. Ss' why Dagon has them do all my forms." 

Making for the door Crowley stops, turns around, swaying back and forth for a moment before pulling a card from an impossibly small pocket and sashaying back over to hand it to Saleos mumbling. "If you're free." Before loping out the door. 

Saleos squints at the card, 

_You are cordially invited to the wedding of Aziraphale Fell and Anotheny J Crowley_

_Please rsvp at your earliest convenience!_

* 1\. Well it isn't dust that gathers in heaven, it's much worse, micro glitter. [ ▲ ]

* 2\. It’s a shame really, they do have a demon assigned to walk people through the paperwork. Balam has mostly stopped telling people how they’re going to die, and it’s quite rude to keep leaving xer office in tears. [ ▲ ]

* 3\. Several supervisors in DR have been pushing for the use of casual endearments with case managers, though none of them can agree if it’s supposed to put demons at ease or intimidate them. [ ▲ ]

* 4\. Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, Lord of Darkness [ ▲ ]

* 5\. Not yet deceased. [ ▲ ]

* 6\. Aziraphale and Dagon met during Crowley's hundred year nap. The demon had popped in to find out why Crowley's paperwork had suddenly improved. Once the slight misunderstanding of why an angel in a demon's flat was cleared up a deal was negotiated that would insure secrecy in exchange for at least one demon turning in something legible. They've kept in contact ever since. [ ▲ ]

* 7\. Crowley has never been above tattling. [ ▲ ]

* 8\. Though in Beezalbub's defense, defense lawyers are much harder to find in hell than prosecutors. [ ▲ ]

* 9\. The twenty-second day of the world that is. Crawly knew what they were about. [ ▲ ]

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me over at [munchmulch](https://munchmulch.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Now with a [drunk read](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-8Vm4vH8jM&feature=youtu.be) by [Quefish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quefish/pseuds/Quefish)!


End file.
